Every Politician Now Under Investigation For Sexual Misconduct

WASHINGTON, DC — Top investigative agents have agreed that the process of looking into cases of sexual misconduct one politician at a time has been a “waste of time” and “slowing progress” for actual change in the United States.

A growing number of private investigators have joined forces under a new organization, the Investigative Coalition for US Politicians (the ICUP). Members of the ICUP have taken it upon themselves to spearhead this inquiry and will look into all politicians across the United States (starting with white men) in over 35 categories of corruption ranging from escort services to trafficking minors.

Sources have projected as many as four to fourteen years for the ICUP to collect the necessary data and results are expected to have an astronomical impact on future elections both locally and nationally for at least two decades. Although many of the politicians in question will likely be deceased by the time this investigation leads to trial, the organization is hoping to inspire early retirements and resignations.

The ICUP’s sister organization, PoliticALLY, has promised to launch a similar investigation of racism in politics, however this audit is not viewed as a priority for the company at this time.

Written by Jan Miller. Jan is a former child, future ghost. Follow on IG/medium Jan Miller (she/her) for the latests scoops.