Nation’s Snakes Distance Themselves From ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following its prominent use at the capitol riots, many of the nation’s snakes are now distancing themselves from the Gadsden flag. “This flag and the way it was used doesn’t represent us,” said Barney Hershel, chairman of the Serpent Legal Institution To Help Encourage Reptiles (SLITHER). “You don’t need an incredibly sensitive forked tongue to know that this display was embarrassing.” Other snake organizations, including SCALE UP and Venom Sacks for Change, have also referred to the flag’s recent usage as “repulssssssssive.” “We’d prefer people go back to associating us with Satan,” SLITHER added. Lionel Johnson, the great-great-grandson of the rattlesnake model for the Gadsden flag, also denounced the imagery. “In fact, some snakes like to be tread on,” Johnson said. “It’s a fetish thing. Or so I’ve heard.” This is not the first time the nation’s largest snake lobby has attempted to shed a negative image. In 1994, SLITHER filed a lawsuit over the use of ouroboros — the snake eating its tail — claiming it hurt tourism. The Water Boa Coalition also recently settled a suit with the artist Nicki Minaj and received a writing credit for the 2014 single, “Anaconda.” “We want what any elongated, legless, carnivorous reptile would want: respect,” Hershel said. “And if we have to wait for it, we’ll wait for it — quietly and in the grass.”

Written by Ryan Kushner. Ryan is a total Capricorn and is often 10 minutes late to the writing meetings.