SAN DIEGO — A male orca was recently sighted in a public pool in Clairemont wearing a Nirvana T-shirt. Marine biologists confirmed the orca was wearing the T-shirt because it was “self-conscious,” and not because “it was chilly,” as the orca had suggested to witnesses at the scene. “This is a trait among young orcas who become self-conscious about their 6 tons of thick, protective blubber,” researcher Kevin Dunn told reporters. “Many get peer-pressured into going swimming and end up grabbing the nearest ’90’s grunge band T-shirt in a panic.” Sources said the orca also wasn’t quite “swimming” in the pool but rather “just sort of wading around in the shallow end” as acquaintances splashed around freely. One witness reported that a suggestion from the orca that everyone exit the pool and “talk” was ignored. The orca issued a second press release standing by its earlier statement that it was chilly, despite the day’s 90-degree temperatures. The orca also suggested it was “just a really big fan” of Nirvana but, when asked, could not name a song by them.
Written by Ryan Kushner. r.j. kushner is a total Capricorn and will leave his camera off during a zoom call as an intentional power move.